Faith is a difficult thing to put into words. Is it something you either have, or don’t? Is it something you can be good at, or have a natural affinity for?
I’m not going to present an argument regarding faith as if I’m C.S. Lewis. Firstly, I’d hardly come near his writing prowess. This is a personal rant.
Over the last few years I’ve begun to notice a, well, a conundrum in myself. It’s simple: I have faith when things are going great, and I thank God for whatever it is I’m thankful for. But when things go to shit for long enough, I just as soon renounce my belief not to the point of atheism but to the (often self-destructive) point of “fuck this, I’m done.”
I like to imagine I’m not alone in this predicament, though it is a lonely one indeed. Church-goers encourage me to, “Have faith! God will provide, often when you least expect it.” And still other’s with their ever inspiring Facebook statuses about how GREAT God is? Well by golly they never fail to lift me up high like the American flag on the fourth of july!
There’s the envy, asking myself why God is so awesome on a daily basis to them all and not me; as if he’s an ice-cream man handing out free treats, only to drive away as I run in a wake of exhaust with what I hope is enough change.
I could never be an atheist. Call it an instinct. And before you ask, no, I was hardly brought up in a religious environment. My best explanation would be a quote from (you can make fun of me for this one) the movie Constantine. John Constantine is having a conversation with the angel Gabriel about what exactly it will take for his soul to be accepted into heaven, to which the angel replies, “Only the usual. Self sacrifice. Belief.” Constantine scoffs at this, “Oh, I believe for christ sake-” , “No, no, you know. And there’s a difference.” says Gabriel.
In a way I have the same issue. I don’t need convincing there’s an other side. I just tend to question things too much when the shit hits the fan and the fan stays on.
I can admit my own faults. And I’m probably harder on myself than need be. I don’t know how this will end, only that my faith is in a constant state of flux, see-sawing between the angel on my shoulder and the dark passenger opposite.